We have a million thoughts everyday. Talking solely about myself, I never stop thinking.
I’m in Manali. It is 6:00 pm, my chai-o-clock. Grabbing the corner most table in my favourite cafe, my eyes are slowly tracing the splendor of the snow capped mountains. The air seemed to be made of a different, sweeter substance.
I take a sip of my chai and I think, what makes ‘all of this’ worth it?
Don’t get me wrong here. By “all of this”, I mean the predicaments which never seem to leave.
In December 2017, I decided to take a leap of faith. A year break from my job to pursue THE DREAM.
4 months into it and I am more in love with life, myself and the world. Sometimes though, I feel differently. Those are the times in I take off my rose tinted glasses and suddenly it all looks malevolent.
I hate to break it out to you, IT’S NOT EASY. I’ll tell you why.
- I miss familiarity:
I’m talking about the things I had taken for granted till now. The comfort of MY people, their warmth and the blissful feeling of you-are-not-alone.
I’ve stayed in solitude and I swear on everything in existence, it’s not always empowering. Especially when nostalgia hits hard. I absolutely hate it when I’m vulnerable and have no one around to let it out.
So I won’t lie here, but just sometimes I want to be listened to. I want giant bear hugs. I want to share my ice cream. I want endless talks over chai. I want to be loved, by MY people.
- I fear attachments:
Goodbyes are my nightmare. Parting hugs, even worse. I have been staying at one place for a considerable amount of time because slow travelling has always been my thing. But you know what, in the end it comes down to that nightmare. And I can’t even begin to describe the anguish that grows when I’m about to leave a place. It takes so much of trials and errors to pick a favourite cafe, bookstore, tea stall or a secret hideout in an unknown place. Then it takes a whole another phase to fall in love with them, make it my own.
So, the whole idea of not being able to see the place/people again (and everyday) bums me out. That’s when the tears follow.
- I’m not always a social butterfly:
I love the company of fellow travellers, get inspired by their stories and treasure those precious times together.
But just sometimes, I hate people. Those are the times when I need my space and isolation. I have been volunteering in backpacker hostels for quite sometime now and it’s a part of my job to be the friendliest of the friendly human around. It may sound like the coolest thing to do. But NO!
Being pretentious is a NO!
Note: Rest of the times, I’m a sweetheart. Trust me.
- On being a procrastinator:
I cannot begin to explain/exclaim the problem with procrastination that I’ve been suffering ever since I remember. Ideally, I should be super active on all social media platforms EVERYDAY. But that doesn’t seem to be happening lately. I get so engrossed in a place and it’s vibe that documenting it seems unimportant in the moment. Well, for someone who wants a career out of blogging, this habit is a killer.
- On dealing with difficult people:
No matter how sweet, compassionate and well behaved you are, toxic people will drain out your energy and force you to believe that the goodness in the world is dead. Well, I don’t buy that. But it has been a constant challenge for me to deal with them. There were moments when I wanted to scream my heart out as I couldn’t take anymore of it.
That’s when I just close my eyes, take a long breath, let the anger flow and get over it.
- On facing my little fears: Honestly, I am not a very fearless person. I get scared easy. I am afraid of insects, heights, rash driving, falling off cliffs, drowning, accidents. I’m scared of failing and letting myself down. But someone once told me, ” It’s okay to be scared. We all feel scared. What we do after being scared is what matters. You choose to be brave. And that’s something I respect“. I was relieved because I chose to believe him. So yeah, it all comes down to the eternal happiness that lies beyond the fears. I MUST GET IT.
But irrespective of all the trials, travelling has changed me a long time back. It changes me everyday. I’m stuck by its simplicity, even mundanity. It delights me way more than it has ever saddened me. That’s how I know that if there is a solution, it is within.
The pursuit of happiness might seem difficult but passion makes it easy. After all, everything is a little part of a beautiful life.
Take it all in, dear heart. It’s all worth it. You’re fine.